Late Night Snark: Dog Days in April Edition
“Today we learned, via the AP, that Major or his colleague Champ has defiled the hallway outside the reception room just off the White House south lawn. What a scoop that is! I like that the White House dog making a bowel movement is a news story. A year ago we were out of ventilators.”
“Say what you will about the Trump administration, but Don Jr. bit like three people tops.“
“[Biden] is proposing a $3 trillion infrastructure plan, which in the broadest sense of the word means child care, energy efficiency in buildings, 5G, rural broadband, retraining of workers, roads, bridges, ports, rail lines, redoing the electrical grid, [and] recharging stations. It sounds very ambitious considering the last guy couldn’t build a wall.”
“In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings, President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases. … Republicans, please stop pretending that this is a Second Amendment issue and just admit that you love guns more than people you don’t know. If you actually cared about the Second Amendment, you’d also care about the well-regulated militias part. I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super-well regulated.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“President Joe Biden has been in office for two months and has already racked up an astounding 37,268 scandals! Dr. Seuss? Canceled! Dr. Fauci? Promoted! Dr. Scholls? Sooo comfy. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? Hasn’t been on TV since 1998. Is this the country we want to leave to our estranged children??? Fourth of July is canceled but AOC’s birthday is a day off? If you’re not angry, get angry! I’m angry 24/7 and I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!!!”
—Desi Lydic of The Daily Show after “watching Fox News for 153 hours straight”
“One thing I’m going to miss about the pandemic is that it finally felt normal to eat takeout in my car while crying.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 2, 2021
Note: In case you missed it, Daily Kos goddess Sara R, maker (along with her sister winglion) of the exquisite community quilts that have comforted so many here who are suffering with health issues, has herself contracted cancer. (The prognosis is good, her doctors say.) There’s a quilt being made for her, and you can add a personal message and contribute to the costs. Details are here in Eric Lewis’s diary. Keep Sara in your thoughts for a full recovery. Keep her cancer in your thoughts for a humiliating defeat.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til National Deep Dish Pizza Day: 3
Decline in nursing home Covid-19 cases since the vaccine rollout began: 96%
Minimum number of new Amtrak routes in Joe Biden’s infrastructure plan: 30
Estimated number of Americans without access to high-speed internet, which will be addressed in the American Jobs Plan: 30 million
Projected spending on Easter candy this year, according to WalletHub: $3 billion
Number of jellybeans that’ll be eaten this year: 16 billion
Percent of parents who say they’ll make an Easter basket for their kids: 66%
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to bucking the trend. Even though several (if not most) of them are dead on arrival, it’s still alarming that Republicans have introduced over 360 Georgia-style voter suppression bills in 47 state legislatures. It’s almost like they’re going out of their way to hand D.C. Democrats an overwhelming need to pass H.R. 1 and put those bills out of their misery. But one state—sorry, commonwealth—bucked the trend this week big-time:
Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam has signed a statewide voting rights act designed to protect voters against suppression, discrimination, and other forms of intimidation, his office announced Wednesday. The bill…prohibits any state or local policies from denying or restricting voting rights based on race, color, or native language.
[…] “At a time when voting rights are under attack across our country, Virginia is expanding access to the ballot box, not restricting it,” Northam said in a statement. “I urge Congress to follow Virginia’s example.” Virginia’s voting rights act requires local election officials to get feedback or pre-approval from the state’s attorney general before making changes to their voting system. It also allows residents to sue in cases of voter suppression.
So now voting in Virginia will be free, fair, easy, and non-discriminatory. Or as Republicans like to say: “We’re screwed.”
CHEERS to holiday fevuh! 2021 years ago today (or thereabouts), a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a rabbi to a cross while the filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 watched Jesus Christ suffer and moan and dehydrate and bleed to death in the baking sun. I’ll never understand why Christians call it “Good Friday.” Sounds more like Monday to me.
Passover is also underway ‘til Sunday. For Jewish people it’s a celebration of the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. For conservatives, it’s a celebration of what modern-day Republicans do to competent people.
Then, two days from today is Easter Sunday, which is notable for two things: the day the aforementioned Christ the Savior rose from the dead, and the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.
Oh, and we should probably mention that due to money laundering-related incarceration, the Easter Bunny is unable to deliver candy and eggs this year. For your safety, please lock your family in the bathroom until the Easter Python has left. Also for your safety, it’s probably a good idea to take the eggs the Easter Python leaves in your Easter basket to your nearest zoo’s reptile hut curator.
JEERS to misplaced priorities. Speaking of religion, let’s check in with America’s #1 religious morality cop Franklin Graham and see what he has to say about a pair of sneakers created as a lark by a popular musical artist:
Rapper Lil Nas X is producing 666 pairs of Nike shoes called “Satan Shoes.” The shoes are part of promoting a new music video in which this rapper descends down a stripper pole and gives Satan a lap dance. The morals in this country have fallen so fast.
The Word of God says, “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28). Hell is a real place, and so is the eternal torment of those who reject Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.
Now let’s see what he has to say about his good buddy Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) getting investigated by the FBI for sex trafficking of a minor:
I’m sure he’ll get around to it. Right after he finishes picking up God’s dry cleaning.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to Charles Hall. He patented aluminum 132 years ago today. And made the world safe for paranoids everywhere:
An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers.
AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don’t mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimp (maybe bonobo). This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you’re good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable.
Remember, bunker dwellers: shiny side out!
CHEERS to home vegetation. The elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the 51st annual Easter-weekend airing of Cecil B. DeMille’s bladder buster The Ten Commandments tomorrow night—for FIVE freaking hours—on ABC, featuring the mom from The Munsters as Moses’ wife and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Ghostbusters. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses fails to defeat Moses when his chariot army gets stopped by a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal.) Remember: if you get up from your couch to pee at any time between 7pm and midnight, you’re going straight to Hell.
Meanwhile the most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Godzilla vs. Kong is this week’s big blockbuster release, in theaters and on HBO Max.) The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and hooray we can add the Major League Baseball schedule back again. Saturday night Daniel Kaluuya (Golden Globe winner/Oscar nominee for Judas and the Black Messiah) hosts SNL.
Be sure to stay up ’til 4am to catch Pope Francis’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Easter Eggstravaganza live from the Vatican on the Eternal Word Television Network (yes, that’s a real channel). On 60 Minutes: a no-doubt scathing report on how Florida Trump-cultist Governor Ron DeSantis let his rich buddies cut in line for the Covid-19 vaccine, and the head of the Ford Foundation says philanthropies need to redouble their efforts to tackle inequality. And after a week in the wilderness, John Oliver returns to his blank white room for another edition of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg; Sen. Roger Wicker (CULT-MS); Epidemiologist Michael Osterholm.
This Week: Pete Buttigieg; Sen. Roy Blunt (CULT-MO).
Face the Nation: Navajo Nation president Jonathan Nez; Sister Norma Pimentel of Catholic Charities of the Rio Grande Valley; Rep. Ritchie Torres (D-NY); Seth Berkley of the children’s vaccine alliance Gavi; Council of Economic Advisers chair Cecilia Rouse.
CNN’s State of the Union: Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm; Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN); Gov. Tate Reeves (CULT-MS); and Bernie!!!
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Biden economic adviser Brian Deese; Sen. Roy Blunt (CULT-MO); Epidemiologist Michael Osterholm.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 2, 2011
CHEERS to Hamburg helper. Can’t really say why, but I never pictured Hamburg, Germany as a city that was overtly friendly to the environment. Boy, am I a dumkopf! Turns out the city in the northern part of the country is the green capital of Europe:
[B]y combining its industrial strength with a commitment to reduce its impact on the environment, Germany’s second-largest city is becoming a model for major metropolises around the world.
It’s already lowered its carbon emissions by 15% since 1990, thanks largely to its efficient public transit system, and it’s set a target of reducing its emissions by 40% by 2020 and 80% by 2050. … Hamburg boasts an abundant amount of green space. More than 16% of the urban area consists of forest, recreation and green spaces.
America could learn a thing or two from the Germans who don’t, to my knowledge, have a major political party that’s hellbent on destroying the country in the name of fossil fuels. Unfortunately, learning isn’t our strong suit at the moment.
And just one more…
CHEERS to big balls, little balls, balls balls balls! After a wild March of ups and downs and smiles and frowns—not to mention a road littered with busted brackets—your NCAA Fabulous Four women’s matchups are: Stanford vs. South Carolina (currently underway) and UConn vs. Arizona (starts at 9:30).
In the men’s division, Gorgonzola faces UCLA and Baylor goes up against Houston. They’ll play tomorrow and whittle the field down to two. Not many people know this, but I tried to compete on the basketball court in school. I had such “high hoops” (Ha Ha Ha), but it didn’t work out too well. The ball kept breaking my badminton racquet.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?