Late Night Snark: Perp Walk the Perv Already Edition
“Representative Matt Gaetz is reportedly under investigation for having an alleged sexual relationship with an underage girl, because Gaetz believes that only voters should have to show ID.
Here’s the craziest part of this story to me: a sitting congressman is accused of child trafficking, and the QAnon people are suddenly like, ‘Nah, I need more evidence.’ That was your whole thing! Think about it: Matt Gaetz’s girlfriend was allegedly 17. The 17th letter is Q. It all adds up! What are you waiting for? The storm is finally here and QAnon is like, You can’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“I’m sure that there will be more to discuss about this story later. Probably during Matt Gaetz’s sentencing phase.”
“After losing in November, Georgia Republicans decided to basically make voting more like all the worst parts of flying: there’s gonna be really long lines, no one can have water, if you’re late you can go f*ck yourself. In fact, you know what? No shoes. Everyone take off your shoes.”
“Major league baseball decided not to have the All-Star game in Atlanta this summer in response to the new law in Georgia that tries to discourage people of color from voting. Baseball did the right thing, and now the red-hatters are mad at them, including [Trump, who urged a boycott of baseball and companies like Coca-Cola]. Donald Trump calling for a boycott of Coca-Cola is beautiful. He had a Diet Coke button on his desk in the Oval office. The man urinates aspartame, okay?”
“Becoming a donor to the Republican party in this era is like replying to one of those Nigerian prince emails with your actual bank account information. It’s like loaning your credit card to the local meth dealer.”
—Rachel Maddow, on the scam “auto-renew” fundraising campaigns by Trump and the NRCC
“President Biden announced that instead of May 1, every adult in the U.S. will be eligible to be vaccinated by April 19th. Way to go, Joe—getting’ it done early! Although supporters of his predecessor are quick to point out that he was able to finish his entire presidency a full four years before his original goal.”
“I can’t wait for everything and its bathroom to reopen.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 9, 2021
Note: Hey, back off, man. I’m warning you—I feel threatened and this yacht is loaded.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Save the Elephant Day: 7
Public support, via Morning Consult polling, for modernizing VA hospitals and modernizing highways/streets, respectively: 80%, 77%
Minimum number of new Obamacare signups since President Biden re-opened the federal exchange and promoted it: 500,000
Americans polled by Ipsos in January and April, respectively, who say they’ve gone out to eat: 29%, 45%
Percent of Americans who identified as Republican/Republican-leaning in 2019 and 2021, respectively, according to Gallup polling: 45%, 40%
Percent who identified as Democratic or Democratic-leaning in 2019 and 2021: 45%, 49%
Year that Microsoft Solitaire first appeared (on Windows 3.0): 1990
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to “a formidable guardian.” Unlike her predecessor, she hasn’t installed a $35,000 “cone of silence” in her office. She’s not handing out egotistical “challenge coins” with her face on them. She doesn’t have a special flag raised and lowered whenever she comes and goes from her D.C. building. Nope. As it turns out, President Biden’s Secretary of the Interior isn’t a flaming narcissist, but a dedicated public servant ready to get stuff done. And her fellow Native Americans are here for it:
Native American leaders welcomed newly confirmed Interior Secretary Deb Haaland back home to New Mexico on Tuesday, hailing her as a “formidable guardian” for the nation’s lands and the interests of its indigenous peoples. Haaland, 60, became the first Native American to hold a Cabinet position earlier this year. She is a member of the Laguna Pueblo tribe. […]
Her return home was emotional, according to the Associated Press, which described Haaland as wiping away tears after receiving a standing ovation from the group.
Haaland shared details about President Joe Biden’s $2 trillion infrastructure proposal and told them, “Help is on the way.” In all, a reported $20 billion from the proposal would be set aside for Native American governments—helping with COVID-19 relief, boosting health programs and improving both housing and technology on the lands. […]
The interior secretary recently also announced the creation of the new federal Missing or Murdered Unit, which will focus on investigating cases in the country’s Native American community. CBS News reports that American Indian and Alaska Native women are killed at a 10-times higher rate than other groups.
Secretary Haaland visited Utah’s Bears Ears National Monument yesterday and the Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument today, sending a message to the mining industry that Trump invited in when he reduced their size by over half: don’t even think about it. Which, coincidentally, will also be what his cellmate says when he tries to take the top bunk. But that’s a story…for another day.
CHEERS to saying the quiet part out loud for everyone to hear. This was not an accident, and the fact that it’s a Republican admitting that Georgia’s new Jim Crow voting law—which notably allows Republicans to overturn any municipality’s election results for any reason—makes this admission all the more remarkable:
“This is really the fallout from the 10 weeks of misinformation that flew in from former President Donald Trump,” Georgia Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan said on CNN’s New Day.
“I went back over the weekend to really look at where this really started to gain momentum in the legislature, and it was when Rudy Giuliani showed up in a couple of committee rooms and spent hours spreading misinformation and sowing doubt across, you know, hours of testimony.”
Yes. Ten weeks of misinformation since November 6, 2020. Or as it’s also known: 233 years of racism since January 2, 1788.
CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. Speaking of asshole right-wingers in the south: big anniversary today—in fact, it oughtta be a federal holiday. On April 9, 1865, Robert E. Lee called it quits and surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the southern traitors’ War for the Preservation of Owning Humans for Forced Labor.
Several years ago a demographic historian concluded that the death toll of the war was much higher than originally thought—750,000 versus the original 620,000. Sadly, another number has also been extended far beyond its original estimate: the number of years it’s taking too many white people in the South to admit they lost and put away that damn confederate battle flag. As Congressman James Clyburn (D-SC) reminded them a few years back, even slave owner and avowed racist treason-monger Lee had at least enough self-awareness to concern himself with post-war optics:
“When Robert E. Lee surrendered he asked all of his followers to furl this flag. Stow it away, he said. Put it in your attics,” Clyburn continued. “He refused to be buried in his Confederate uniform. His family refused to allow anyone dressed in the confederate uniform to attend his funeral. “Why? Because Robert E. Lee said he considered this emblem to be a symbol of treason.”
He also didn’t want any statues of him put up, a request that fell on deaf ears as groups like the Daughters of the Confederacy erected hundreds of them (of Lee and other CSA icons, including a fresh batch in the 1960s to remind the civil rights movement to remember “their place”) as a way of living in denial of their treason. I’ll give the hangers-on credit for one thing: they sure picked the right theme song. “Look away, Dixie Land.” Mission accomplished.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to the dick in the dock. With two weeks of the trial of George Floyd’s killer Derek Chauvin behind us, let’s peek in and see if…
Yup. Still guilty as shit.
CHEERS to landmark legislation. One week after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., President Johnson signed a companion bill into law 53 years ago Sunday called the Civil Rights Act of 1968, aka the Fair Housing Act. The following housing issues became no-no’s:
1) Refusal to sell or rent a dwelling to any person because of his race, color, religion or national origin.
2) Discrimination against a person in the terms, conditions or privilege of the sale or rental of a dwelling.
3) Advertising the sale or rental of a dwelling indicating preference of discrimination based on race, color, religion or national origin.
The law was expanded in 1988 to include disability and family status, and again in 1993 to prohibit the throwing of lawn darts at the Re/Max blimp.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you don’t have anything better to do this weekend—like, say, attend your local communist party meeting—you can share some intimate moments with the sacred socialist TV box. Chris and Rachel and Lawrence will continue digesting the week’s big events and whatever Friday news dump hits the news wires. On HBO’s Real Time at 10, Bill Maher’s guests are Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA, in our vice president’s old seat), Color of Change chair Heather McGhee, and some insufferable logic-twister from the Manhattan Institute. Then at 11 Octavia Spencer and Melissa McCarthy ham it up on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America).
The most popular home videos new and old, including the new documentary We Don’t Deserve Dogs, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. But the event that’ll get all the sports ink this weekend is the annual conclave of country club Republicans known as the Masters Golf Tournament, awkwardly located in Georgia. Saturday night Carey Mulligan (Promising Young Woman) hosts a fresh edition of SNL.
On 60 Minutes: a newly unearthed Prince album makes its debut. Sunday night on Fox: Mr. Burns gets into the plant-based burger business on The Simpsons, and Brian discovers he belonged to a rich family before he lived with the Griffins on Family Guy. And John Oliver continues his Emmy-winning work to cap off the weekend on Last Week Tonight (11pm, HBO).
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until forever:
Meet the Press: Secretary of State (and doing a fine job) Antony Blinken; Gov. Asa Hutchinson (CULT-AR).
Face the Nation: Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA); Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY); California Superintendent of Public Instruction Tony Thurmond.
CNN’s State of the Union: House Majority Whip Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (CULT-AR).
This Week: Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm; Sen. Roger Wicker (CULT-MS); legal panel to discuss Derek Chauvin trial.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. John Thune (CULT-SD); Gov. Greg Abbott (CULT-TX); Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 9, 2011
JEERS to the cruelest cut. As if it needs to be said, modern-day Republicans are vile and despicable. In the midst of the greatest fiscal crisis since the1920s, the GOP is forcing a shutdown of the government. Why? Insistence on keeping a “rider” in the budget that would de-fund Planned Parenthood because of all the federal dollars the organization is not and never was spending on abortion. That’s what this is about, this “Friday Night Tea Party Massacre of America.” A biblical infatuation with women’s uteruses is shutting down the government of the most powerful nation within a hundred solar systems. What happens next is anybody’s guess. But at least there’s one silver lining: supplies of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra will continue without disruption.
And just one more…
JEERS to the topple seen ’round the world. Remember all the hullabaloo when that Baghdad statue of Saddam Hussein was pulled down shortly after we shocked ‘n awed Iraq? Believe it or not, that was 18 years ago today. I remember wincing when a U.S. soldier, unfamiliar with the concept of “How Things Look from the Liberated Folks’ Perspective,” tried to tie an American flag around Saddam’s head. I also remember drumming my fingers on my desk as the Iraqis took for freakin’ ever to try and yank the statue down by hand. They finally decided to let our troops attach a rope from Saddam’s finger to a tank, which pulled it down in mere seconds as the crowd made crude fart noises (proving that, no matter what country you’re from, that gag never gets old). Then they beat it with shoes as it was dragged around the square like a cat toy.
But, as with so many aspects of that war (like the reason for starting it), things weren’t exactly as they seemed. The press made it look like the entire city was there celebrating. In reality, it looked more like the size of House Freedom Caucus representation at a MENSA meeting:
If you’re hyperventilating from the shock of being misled by the media, breathe into a paper sack for a few minutes. It’ll pass.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?