Late Night Snark: Dems Rock, Repubs Suck Edition
Clip of President Biden at Wisconsin town hall: By the end of July we’ll have 600-million doses, enough to vaccinate every American. As my mother would say, by the grace of God and the goodwill of the neighbors, we’ll be in a very different place by Christmas than we are today.
Trevor Noah: Wow. Who would’ve seen this coming? After all that talk from Trump, it turns out Biden is the one who’s gonna have people saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again.
—The Daily Show
“Texas has been hit especially hard because of the cold, which puts the Republicans who run the state in a tough spot, because they did a lot of mocking of California when our power went out. So now the governor, Greg Abbott, has been working hard to push the blame to Democrats and the Green New Deal, which doesn’t even exist yet. And Tucker Carlson has been helping him out by blaming windmills. But the reason for the blackouts is frozen instruments at coal, natural gas, and nuclear facilities. Windmills are actually holding up disproportionately well by comparison. So don’t believe anything Con Quixote says.”
See? I told you it was continued. But did you believe me? Nooooooo…
“[Trump’s] impeachment highlights a fundamental tenet of our legal system. All Americans, regardless of status, are entitled to a speedy trial by a jury of your cowardly partisan sycophants and henchmen.
—Jon Stewart on Twitter
“This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was: the jurors deciding the case were the ones who were attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then afterward one of the jurors [Mitch McConnell] who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, ‘Someone’s gotta prosecute this guy! He did it! This man belongs in jail!’ I feel bad for Pence—43 of his work friends were like, ‘C’mon, Mike, they only tried to hang you, stop being such a drama queen.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“During Trump’s impeachment trial, House managers showed security footage of Capitol rioters violently attacking police. Here’s a little black history for you: just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get a conviction.”
“Tucker Carlson said Joe and Jill Biden’s marriage is ‘as real as climate change.’ Because it’s been around since the Carter administration, and it’s only getting hotter?”
“Rush Limbaugh has died at the age of 70. The death of the staunchly-conservative defender of Republican family values was announced today by his fourth wife.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 19, 2021
Note: Tomorrow is National Handcuff Day. It’s a timely reminder that no member of the Trump family will ever find themselves in cuffs. Because only medieval stocks will do.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til National Sticky Bun Day: 2
Joe Biden’s approval rating in the latest NBC News poll: 62%
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who say the COVID-19 situation is getting worse, down from 63%: 39%
Amount included in the Democratic Covid relief bill for FEMA: $50 billion
Increase in retail sales last month, led by vehicles and clothing and, obviously, Joe Biden’s swearing-in: 5.3%
Year Ford plans to go all-electric in Europe: 2030
Rank of desserts/sweets, soda, and fast food/dining out, respectively, among the things people are giving up for Lent, according to a YouGov poll: #1, #2, #3
Puppy Pic of the Day: Tis the season…
CHEERS to making America functional again. The extremely popular Biden administration is making progress on so many fronts at once, the full list would delete my daily allotment of pixels. Tomorrow marks his first month in office, and we’ve gotten a taste of Joe’s trademarks: quiet, teamwork-based competence punctuated by equal parts unvarnished realism over the challenges we face and optimism about our ability to overcome them. Recently Politico did a piece on 46’s leadership style, and I must’ve sighed with relief a hundred times while reading it:
Biden fills his day with policy memos, virtual meetings with outside experts and, of course, visiting staff around the building. […] Each day, Biden holds an intelligence briefing, receives a coronavirus update and reads a daily briefing book, which includes schedules, policy memos and intelligence briefs about the next day, according to the White House official.
“He likes a concise and thorough briefing paper that clarifies what are the competing concerns, backgrounds, who are the stakeholders, what are the precedents, what are the consequences, and then discussing with core advisers and then debating it with outside experts,” [Sen. Chris] Coons said. “He learns at the intersections of reading and debating.” […]
Biden is also talking regularly with governors, mayors and local elected officials to seek “input about how things are going on the ground,” according to a White House official. Last Wednesday, for example, he called Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey, a Republican. … “He likes to talk to people,” a former aide said. “He’s the classic definition of extrovert. He likes to feed off other people and likes to win over rooms and people with his thinking and logic and policies and proposals and so part of the way you do that is you give feedback and get feedback by talking to people.”
[Sigh] Make that a hundred and one.
CHEERS to sticking the landing. It’s not every day you get to shout, “Mars, bitches!” and mean it literally. Or, as Nicolle Wallace said on my teevee: “We are watching a triumph of the human quest for knowledge and understanding.” Damn right. How cool to see NASA’s scientists and engineers erupt in rational exuberance yesterday afternoon upon learning the Mars rover Perseverance touched down on the Red Planet safe and sound after its “7 minutes of terror.” (An investigation is underway into how that horrifying clip of Mike Pence singing 99 Bottles of Non-Alcoholic Beer on the Wall in the shower got embedded on the rover’s hard drive.) I will never fail to turn into a blubbering mess when the control room erupts like this after hearing the magic words…..
The first photos have already come back. So far they reveal dust, rocks and, not surprisingly, a P.O. box serving as an offshore tax shelter for Jared and Ivanka.
“CHEERS!” to fixing the worst domestic mistake in American history. On February 20, 1933, Congress proposed the 21st Amendment, which would repeal the 18th (also known as “that no-good stinkin’ prohibition”). Once it was adopted, the booze again flowed free and unfettered. C&J will be performing a historical reenactment of that moment in our living room around 9 tomorrow morning. Same as we do the other 364 days of the year.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to really bad ideas from really good presidents. On February 19, 1942, President Roosevelt signed the order that would lead to the “relocation” (read: forced detention) of Japanese Americans and Japanese nationals living here. How do we know it was a really, really bad decision? Because nutcase Michelle Malkin thinks it was a really, really good decision. Case closed.
JEERS to Rush Limbaugh. He died, and that’s all I plan to say except to break this C&J exclusive: his accomplishments were so prolific that we’ve been told he’s getting some very special treatment in the afterlife. Since he was such a well-rounded racist-bigot-misogynist-homophobe-xenophobe-hypocrite-glutton-hater, he’ll spend eternity being rotated through all the circles of hell.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick rundown of what may show up on our TVs this weekend. Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow have the latest on “Greg Abbott’s Katrina” and the pandemic. Or, if you’re news’ed out, you can watch a pitch for “high heels that are sexy and comfortable” on Shark Tank (ABC) or catch a new Whose Line on The CW.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Topping my list: Disney’s superhero-squirrel flick Flora and Ulysses, which gets 71% Fresh rating. “And the Oscar goes to…”) The NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. Or there’s the Los Angeles Open golf tourney (I refuse to call it by its current corporate-sponsored name, so sue me) on CBS. Rege-Jean Page (whose pecs are the breakout stars of Netflix’s Bridgerton) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: the team assembles evidence of Syrian dictator Bashar Assad’s crimes against humanity (read: his own people), and a report on the rise in Trump cultists’ threats against U.S. judges. And John Oliver, whose piece on pandemics of the future was so great last week, breaks down another pressing issue into bite-chunks Sunday night at 11 on Last Week Tonight.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Dr. Anthony Fauci; former member of Congress Will Hurd (The Cult-TX).
This Week: White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki; Rep. Steve Scalise (The Cult-LA).
Face the Nation: Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price; Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner; National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; former Deputy National Security Adviser Matt Pottinger.
CNN’s State of the Union: Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA); Dr. Anthony Fauci; Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Anthony Fauci on the pandemic and Bill Gates on climate change, which should outrage viewers since both topics are hoaxes in nutty Fox World.
Ten years ago in C&J: February 19, 2011
TWENTY HAIL MARYS to tracking your transgressions. Did you hear about the new Catholic iPhone app? It’s designed to let you neatly and tidily keep track of all the times you’ve acted like a total rule-breaking jerkwad in front of God, so that when you go to confession you won’t forget any of the sordid details of your sinful, sinful ways. Oh, and this is nice: for every ten sins you commit, you get one free. Oops, no, wait…sorry ’bout that. I’m being told that only applies to priests.
And just one more…
CHEERS to evening calisthenics. This happened eight years ago this weekend, as First Lady Michelle Obama was promoting her “Let’s Move” initiative to get We The People (especially kids) off our asses. This sketch with Jimmy Fallon—The Evolution of Mom Dancing—racked up over 27 million views. It’s too great to let it fall into the cracks of history, so enjoy this encore…
Top that, Jill.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?