Late Night Snark: Help Is Here Edition
“President Biden just got a nice shot in the arm. You know how he said he hoped to get 100-million Americans vaccinated by the end of his first hundred days in office? He beat that deadline by six weeks. Isn’t it amazing what you can do when you don’t put Jared in charge?”
“According to a new report, since President Biden took office CNN has lost 45 percent of its prime time audience to its biggest competitor: a good night’s sleep.”
“It’s time for the NCAA’s Men’s and Women’s college basketball tournaments. Unfortunately—and longtime viewers of this show may be surprised—the men and the women in those tournaments are being treated pretty differently. This year, the tournament gave women athletes cheaper, less sensitive coronavirus tests than men. Basically, while the men got the gold standard of virus testing, the NCAA asked women to cough into a handkerchief and whisper, ‘It’s nothing.'”
“Pfizer has begun testing an oral anti-viral drug for Covid. Man, if they could just put the medicine in a chicken sandwich America will flatten the curve by Friday.”
“The Suez Canal is blocked after a giant container ship got stuck, blocking nearly the entire width of the canal. I get it: after a year of quarantine, nothing fits anymore. They should have put that ship into their stretchy canal—you know, the one that looks like denim but gives?”
“Cruise ships are coming back. Have we learned nothing as a society???”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 26, 2021
Note: We finally have the results from the CPAC-RNC “Count the Jellybeans In The Mason Jar” contest. After three weeks of analysis, we’ve concluded that the correct answer is: three. There were 697 entries but no winners. Thanks for playing. See ya next year! —Ronna McDaniel
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Easter: 9
Americans polled by Gallup who are satisfied with the direction in which the country is headed, versus 11% during Trump’s last month in office: 32%
Amount that banks provided in financing to oil, gas, and coal companies last year, more than they did in 2016 when the Paris climate agreement came into being: $3.8 trillion
Number of the 100 current members of the U.S. Senate who were born when there were fewer than 50 states: 64
Rank of Columbus OH, St. Petersburg FL, and Aurora CO among the 200 largest U.S. cities with the best water quality, according to a new survey by LawnStarter: #1, #2, #3
The last year that bicycle sales were as high as they are now: 1973
Number of Star Trek episodes William Shatner, who turned 90 this week, says he’s watched: 0
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to breaking the fever. Here’s some good, good, good news on the economic front after more than a year of bad, bad, bad news on jobs, jobs, jobs:
Initial weekly jobless claims fell to 684,000 last week, the lowest weekly total since the pandemic began, according to data released Thursday by the Department of Labor.
It’s the first time since last March that claims for first-time unemployment have fallen below the 700,000 mark, and roundly beats economist expectations for 735,000 for the week ending March 20, 2021. […]
“Things have improved over the last year, but there are still millions of people dealing with real economic pain,” said Ann Elizabeth Konkel, economist at Indeed Hiring Lab. “Increased vaccinations are hopefully the beginning of the end. Once the public health situation is improved, a full recovery can finally take place.”
The positive economic movement is part of a radical and audacious new American economic plan called—[Checks notes]—Let’s Put Democrats In Charge of the Economy.
JEERS to meeting expectations. The Media, Inc. demanded that President Biden hold a press conference because it’s been nine days longer than any other president held one so what is he hiding?!! So Joe held a press conference and he was fine. Just fine. The White House press corps, on the other hand, was its usual atrocious White House press corps self. Zero questions about the pandemic. Or guns. Or jobs. A pointless question about Joe’s 2024 plans. Pathetic. But then there’s this:
Greatest president since Lincoln. (Even with the hat.)
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night at 8:30 local time and join the world in going dark for the World Wildlife Federation’s annual Earth Hour:
Started by WWF and partners as a symbolic lights-out event in Sydney in 2007, Earth Hour is now one of the world’s largest grassroots movements for the environment. Held every year on the last Saturday of March, Earth Hour engages millions of people in more than 180 countries and territories, switching off their lights to show support for our planet.
With your support, Earth Hour 2021 could be a spotlight moment that puts nature at the center of international conversations. Together, we can speak up and show world leaders and other decision-makers around the globe that nature matters and urgent action must be taken to reverse nature loss.
Give it a try. You’ll save a little juice, save a little scratch, and join the rest of the planet in a good cause (at a socially responsible distance). As a special bonus, staring into a black void for a bit will give you a rare glimpse into what it looks like inside a Republican’s head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea to fight climate change.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to Matzoh Fever. Passover (aka “They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat”) begins tomorrow at sundown. The holiday commemorates Moses’s exodus from Egypt three thousand years ago, including his Oscar-winning parting of the Red Sea. I’m not Jewish (my roulette wheel stopped on Episcopalian), but I still like to commemorate it with an abbreviated seder during which I go straight to the four glasses of wine. Which is why in our house the holiday is known as Passout.
CHEERS to makin’ up and makin’ nice. Forty-two years ago today, on March 26, 1979, Israel’s Menachem Begin and Egypt’s Anwar Sadat signed a historic peace agreement that is still holding up today:
The Egypt-Israel peace treaty was a direct result of the Camp David Peace Accords, signed in September 1978. President Sadat and Prime Minister Begin were jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize later that year.
Under the accords, Israel agreed to withdraw troops from the Sinai Peninsula in return for Egypt’s recognition of the state of Israel. Palestinians were also granted the right to some self-determination.
Said Sadat of the mediator, Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who is still with us at 96: “[He is] the man who performed the miracle. Without exaggeration, what he did constitutes one of the greatest achievements of our time.” Yeah, we’re kinda fond of him ourselves.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potatoing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The Friday news dumps—far less dumpy, thanks to our new zen president—get unpacked by Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. On Firing Line (8:30, PBS), Yo-Yo Ma performs and talks about the impact of the pandemic on the arts.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you’ll find the NCAA women’s and men’s put-the-ball-through-the-basketball-ring tournament info here and here. The NAACP Image Awards are tomorrow night at 8 on BET and CBS. SNL is back from hiatus with host Maya Rudolph. On 60 Minutes: the origins of Covid, our new robot overlords, and a profile of sportswriter Dave Kindred. Marge takes part in a jewel heist on The Simpsons, and Lois angles to win the Best Customer prize at her favorite coffee shop on Family Guy.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: A special edition on mass shootings with Sens. Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Pat Toomey (R-PA), and Rep. Judy Chu (D-CA).
This Week: White House communications director Kate Bedingfield; Sen. Dan Sullivan (R-AK).
Face the Nation: Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-TX); Doc Fauci; Re.-elect Julia Letlow (R-LA); Marriott CEO Anthony Capuano.
CNN’s State of the Union: Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Senator Raphael Warnock (D-GA) ; Rep. Nikema Williams (D-GA); Dr. Sanjay Gupta,
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Ten years ago in C&J: March 26, 2011
JEERS to erasing the past. Maine Governor Paul LePage has ordered the removal of a mural that celebrates the history of the labor movement from…wait for it…the lobby of…wait for it…the Labor Department! And he wants all of the conference rooms there—now named after famous labor leaders like Frances Perkins—to be given new “non-partisan” names. The reason (based on, according to the story linked to above, one email from, literally, “A Secret Admirer”): business leaders might be offended if they’re reminded of the thousands of workers they’ve stomped on in the name of profit. And in other news, this morning we’re changing the sign that greets you at the state border from “Maine: The Way Life Should Be” to “Maine: Help! Our Governor’s A Human Manifestation of Cujo.”
And just one more…
CHEERS to the best science officer in the galaxy. This guy:
Happy 90th birthday, Leonard Nimoy, wherever you are. (And, as of this year, Happy Leonard Nimoy Day in Boston.) We could really use some of your logic down here right about now.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?