Home Politics Russian agents are collecting Putin’s poop

    Russian agents are collecting Putin’s poop

    By “collecting,” I don’t mean that they’re building a collection. Putin’s cult of personality in Russia isn’t that intense.

    I mean they’re following him into the can — when he’s traveling abroad — and removing the Pooty poop from the toilet before it can be flushed.

    After all, poop contains secrets. Among other things.

    I’m inclined to believe this, and not just because a former KGB agent would be inclined by disposition towards extreme paranoia about foreign intelligence, up to and including James Bond types waiting in the sewer to catch his droppings when they arrive. Given all the rumors about Putin’s poor health, it probably *is* the case that there are important things that can be learned about him through an analysis of the presidential dookie.

    It makes me glad that our own president wears a diaper so that he doesn’t need to worry about this problem.

    According to Gente and Rubin, each time Putin needs to go, an FSO agent places his excrement in a specialized packet so that it can be returned to Russia in a special suitcase.

    Such excrement collections happened during Putin’s visit to France on May 29, 2017, and also during his October 2019 trip to Saudi Arabia, the reporters wrote.

    A video from another of Putin’s trips, to France in 2019, showed six suited men in Putin’s entourage accompanying him to a bathroom. One of them was seen exiting the bathroom holding a small briefcase, though it is unclear what it contains.

    It’s funny ’cause it’s true. I’m assuming five of these guys are Russian secret service tasked with protecting the tsar while the sixth is charged with carrying the, uh, poop-ular football:

    A Russian reporter claims that she’s also heard of Putin practicing unusual bathroom habits while traveling, although it’s less a matter of him having his very own turd valet than having his own portable toilet. He can’t take the risk of his aides missing a log, after all. The only way to be sure the enemy doesn’t have access to his biological profile is to retain control of the entire process.

    Maybe he’s hoarding samples so that Russian scientists can clone him after he’s gone. Someone’s going to have to finish the job of rebuilding Russia’s empire, after all, and Putin 1.0 won’t be around long enough to see it through.

    The rumors of his ill health continue to swirl, meanwhile. British tabloids are amplifying a *very* thinly sourced report on Telegram that Putin was given “urgent medical assistance” earlier this week when he became dizzy and ill from standing up after being seated for 90 minutes. It sounds like he fainted, which may be nothing very serious at all. Although the timing makes for an interesting coincidence with him once again disappearing from public view:

    For the first time in a decade, Vladimir Putin has pulled out of his annual live Q&A event with the Russian public, with the move certain to fuel ongoing rumours about his health…

    This is a major TV event for Russia, which has run yearly since Mr Putin first came into power in 2001, with the exception of 2004 and 2012.

    Just last week, the government announced that the marathon phone-in would be held between June 15-18 at the St. Petersburg International Economic Forum, making the sudden backflip even more bizarre.

    The annual “Direct Line” Q&A with Putin is a big deal, running for hours as he fields dozens of questions from the public. One theory as to why he’s skipping it this year is that he doesn’t want to face awkward queries about Ukraine, but that’s silly. Obviously the questions will be carefully screened to spare him from any anxiety. The alternate explanation is that he’s just not physically (and mentally?) up to the task of doing a marathon session in full view of the public. He might be fit for short appearances — see yesterday’s remarks about Peter the Great — but a three-hour spell under the hot lights may be too much in light of his condition.

    And if they decided to shorten the length, that would raise questions itself about his endurance. Better to postpone the entire event and claim that he’s too busy with Ukraine to do it right now.

    Some of the Putin “health watch” stuff has admittedly gotten ridiculous. One UK paper actually consulted a body-language expert to try to glean clues about his condition from his casual posture and slightly less than impeccable dress at yesterday’s appearance. But the “Direct Line” event isn’t the only one he’s missed recently: Newsweek notes that his address to the Russian Federal Assembly, which usually takes place in April, was postponed with no new date set. Maybe something really is up.

    He’s probably not at death’s door. But there’s too much smoke here for there to be no fire.

    Either way, rest assured that as long as he has breath left in his body, he’ll keep killing innocent people for the glory of Russia. I’ll leave you with this short clip of mass graves in Mariupol, which isn’t all that short.


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